ANYHOW PRAY PRAY My name is ah teck Every night After I inflate my rubber mattress Which is bouncy and good for my sensitive skin I will kneel down on my Minnie Mouse cushion And offer up my praying Dear glob Please prevent our ears from bleeding When alarm bells ring Allow hot water machine to work So we can come back from cryogenic sleep Our navigation systems spoil already Please Guide us to the nearest toast box Give us today our daily bread talk And deliver us Mac muffin breakfast, Kamsiah Our underpants have grown tighter Do not let us blame the bakwah Maybe its a hormone efficiency Maybe our underpants lost weight Maybe all the milk from my tits have gone to my hips Regardless the explanation We deserve enough credits in our e.z link card Please help me find a seat in s.m.r.t. thank you for letting me sit kind sir I am not pregnant, I am just fat But I am not telling you that My legs are very tired from getting out of bed. Next time I might bring a wheelchair. They will sure give way to me Maybe I bring samurai sword on train But like that sure Kena arrested. And appear on youtube. Then I become famous. Less like psy, more like psycho Like that sure go jail Where Gangam style will fuck my backside so many times I learn to like it Then i can oppose 377a And give pastor khong the finger Into his arse hole Maybe everyone should give him the finger Into his arse hole Until he likes it Then he can change his song Then bapok can go heaven Because in the end god obviously listen to man holding mic Dear glob Please listen to me Even if I don't have a mic. I can press the train mic but must pay many money Charge phone at station also pay many money Cannot like that I already late for work. Please make train break down less If late again, my boss also break down Then I must crawl under his table He will stretch his legs And I must suck his reebok He very abusive type I must chabut from this hell hole Dear glob, Please help me find another job Steve job already go heaven the gates are closed, windows no entry And I'm too dark and depressed for yahoo Maybe i must change industry Maybe I should, “just do it” sell Nike shoes I'm really sick of reebok I must run away Fuck being banker Best Become busker Buy guitar and wheelchair So I can rock and roll Down Clark quay underpass Where people will throw coins at me So I can buy chicken rice And romance chicks with my bling bling And make dudes go, woah! As I roll down ang mo kio With my pet Godzilla Wearing ray ban sun shades In my batman costume Because my red underwear too tight Dear glob I ask for all this In the name of Jacob cream crackers Skippy peanut butter And the holy guacamole Ole!

My name is ah teck Tonight, I wear my rubber fetish suit For Special honor day To all the whores I've met before But never bang them on the floor I only want to chit chat with them Heart to heart Like boyfriend and girlfriend Cuddling In our underwear In hotel 81 For 80 dollars for 20 minutes Only the whores can see me Because i am Invisible To normal banker girls When I go orchard road All the pretty girls busy with pretty boys I am not pretty so I eat happy meal alone in macdonalds But When I go to geylang All the pretty girls are busy smiling and calling me They pull my arms They say I handsome They want me in their bed They are very good at acting I pretend to believe them I pretend I Am wanted I pretend this is love The first girl I met was a bapok Gave me good back rub I don't want blow job I wAnt naked girl to press press away my lonely feelings Even if she was fake and the pain was real It was worth it. 30 bucks to Hear husky whispers of sweet nothing's, spoken in sexy Thai. 30 bucks to kiss her hands 30 bucks to touch her face Not so expensive The second girl was real one She actually scared of me Like all the girls in shenton way But money make her fear go away I wanted to talk The way lovers do To Smell the soap in her hair To know what the long scar on her stomach meant. I wanted to know if she was happy The way lovers ask each other But she never show me her heart She only show me the condom. Made in china. I held her in my arms Until the pimp bang on the door Times up! Girl friend feeling finish 80 dollars please. The third girl i met in batam Can choose your part time girl friend from photo book. I spent four hours stroking her head In a disco Holding her hand I asked if she was happy She said no. She misses her family It was all trickery She didn't know 'work for money“ means sell her body I watched her play poker in her black panties In the morning she left She broke the rule The pimp was very angry, “Where is she! Where is she!” I didn't know But in my heart I hope she went home Today, I honor them all Eating happy meal alone Not so lonely anymore For I know some stories The type lovers tell each other In cheap hotel rooms At 80 bucks an hour

Ladies and germs Kawan, perempuan, orang Utan Former prawn stars and parole ossifers Good morning. My name is ah teck I just finish shower with flower Flower is my pet fighting fish When she peaceful, she look like snake When she angry, she look like peacock I make her angry with Justin Beiber music But baby baby baby makes durian horny Durian is my pet concubine Oh Excuse me Durian is my pet porcupine When he sexcited, he shoot spikes Then I will be poked Sometimes in my backside Like that cannot Wait I walk funny Then pastor kong angry Then my concubine will circumambulate me with a cucumber and compromise our conspiracy to consummate our contract Wah. Cheem. Every night I keep myself warm With my little mermaid blanket I wear go pro camera on my head i wear my speedos to bed In case I get wet dream Then can shoot blue movie Under the sea! Under the sea! But alas Last night Got no mermaid But got goddess! Let me pray pray about it! Dear glob I Hope you not angry I love another deity She super pretty She is So heavenly Her name make me holy Serina wee! She come to me In white lingerie I want to faint already I sweating holy water My limp and bloodless life Rise from the dead! I feel strong and virile! She is better than tongkat Ali! I want to harvest her ovaries! I want to sleep in her dresses! I tell you glob She sure got super power! she can go to little India Then nobody need beer All Get high on her she can go to bukit brown then she breathe one time The dead can resurrection! no need relocation! I will say her name And part the sea at changi beach Then all the bapok become real woman! She can whistle Then my urine change into new water She can touch the tongue of china people Then they will speak like ang moh She can touch the lips of men in white Then they will stop talking kok! She flag sbs bus everybody will move to the back She hug a pillar And HDB prices will drop! She give flying kiss The haze go away! Oh glob Singapore needs a new messiah Her name is Serina wee She will make everybody happy Courtesy lion can retire Merlion can stop vomiting Her ex—boss will fly rainbow flag Anton will hug smelly Bangla worker! Filthy rich will give clean money to homeless And we can all stop shopping And start loving again I ask for all this In the name of her blogshop missy Stella And her tiger beer lady dress Ah wee! Dear ah teck This is glob Do not think I'm jealousy I am also not angry I do not blame your fantasy I understand your history But there is something you must see It is I, who made Serina wee.

Harrow chew ren! My name is ah teck! And this my friend glob! I am here to tell you a story! You see me now like this I last time very different! I was a chao ang moh named atlas Ya! my name also very atas I stay in bukit timah ok I si beh jialat I think my skin color white, my money color, gold, i can treat yellow people like black people I look down on heart landers They cheap like tissue paper use to chope chair All so smelly and poor, must take bus and mert Chey! Not like me, got lampah gee nee, got stupid ah mat to drive my b.m.w I tell the s.p.g I also b.m.w Big. Money. White. All of them love me you know! I tell you last time, i super proud! hate singlish. I always say, “All you degenerate losers have no idea how glorious the queens English is. You're an insult to the western world.” I like to scold Singaporeans One time, mabuk already, cannot drive, ah mat on m.c, so take i taxi Taxi driver old and stupid right? Get lost on m.c.e. I say to him, “you dont deserve my money, you wasted my time, time is money you dumb fogey. Your stupidity has cost you this fare.” I never pay! Chao cab! He too old to chase me, no one to help. He shout loud loud “kanina you chao ang mo! I wish your life super long and super interesting!” I laugh at him. Stupid man, still can wish me! But I didn't know it was an ancient curse! When I wake up next day First thing I say “Aiyo, this place where one ah?” My England all Koyak! I sit up. One room h.d.b flat! Phone also don't have! Gold become hell money My angry bird become....flappy bird Then got Kow peh Kow bu thunder Then got voice from sky “Behold! My name is glob. ahhhhhh teck is the new you. this is your punishment. Cannot kebelakang pusing! It will be VERY interesting!” I kamcheong like spider! Arrrrrrrrrghhhhh!!! So Chew ren, what is the moral of the story? Don't anyhow see people no up Don't ya ya papaya Don't chao cab And Don't anyhow pray pray Ok! Bye bye!

My fellow kar Kia Mak cik pak cik Today, I am very proud to be your P.M (Prata maker) Since taking over parliament In 2016 We have put our little red dot on the map Singapura culture is now a global phenomenon I am very proud of the following examples. In the entertainment world: The Grammy awards recently honored our jazz goddess kanina Simone Best rock act went to our boys limpeh biscuit Our bawah blok avant garde dance style is emulated everywhere It is called Kepala butoh dance Chew ren all over the world adores our local cartoon pukimon A local film has won several Oscars It's about a monstrous pastor who goes about stepping on the l.g.b.t community In the end, he gets castrated by the superhero, pink dot ah gua man The film is called king Khong kena potong To appeal to audiences in Japan, the film was renamed Khongzilla Singapura mythology also kena change The Merlion is now the result of the lion king finding nemo sexually attractive International crime also cannot escape singaporeanization A local hacker faction has joined anonymous. They fill government websites with Hokkien bad words Their cyberattack program is called Tiu lei lo mode International law now includes the term lEEgislation which refers to the abuse of political power to destroy the lives of citizens Those found guilty of LEEgislation will be: A) struck down by lightning B ) Poked to death with satay sticks in ang mo kio C ) stoned to death with durians in toa payoh D ) all of the above A new law also states, if you anyhow divorce, you must refund all ang pow to wedding guests. Of course, my fellow heart landers, we cannot forget Makan makan All fatty weng restaurants and 7 star hotels in the world now serves our specialty dish Marinah beh chao cheese pie It's made from the smelliest cheese available. No one dare ask where the cheese is really from but everybody loves it. And to celebrate our great achievements Everybody gets free laksa And a new 4 pin code to withdraw all your cpf money. Majulah!

Once upon a time When policeman wear shorts There was an ah boi named ah Huat He come from rich family Father sell gourmet goreng Pisang Mother is tai tai Carry leopard preen Plada bag Ah Huat get many good things Barbie doll La, Masak Masak from Italy laaa, inflatable playmate la, He very spoilt one But his soul Very restless his backside itchy Go out make trouble Anyhow carry parang Always shout gang poetry Ow ah ow! Sar lar kau! Bo bei chao! Char siew Pau Father, mother all shake head No choice, send to boys home There also make trouble Make all the boys cry make all the boys walk funny They must use kang kang cream Hai ya He Kena Rotan also no use People beat him, he become horny Put in prison, he disappear! Jia lat leh Then He go Internet scold gah men spray toa payoh block, scold gah men So much tai ji until pm lee come Pm lee sue ah huat for being naughty Kena sue also no use Ah Huat take the money, wipe his backside and throw back in gahmens face Mother disown him Father chao to Thailand Ah Huat run free like Gila Babi Cannot control! But one day When ah Huat high on drugs! Got big big light appear! He kena blinded Then a beautiful goddess go down on him She so sexy In white lingerie She so pretty Ah Huat say, “Who are you ?” I am. Serina wee. She blow him flying kiss Straight away he become guai guai Wa Immediately transform! He become Buddha! make temple in sengkang kopitiam Ommmm kopiiiii Ommmm teh siiii Bakuteh bakuteh bakuteh! He bless people, make happy give 4 d Repair mrt with telepathy He live many long time When he die ah, a big big light come take him Serena wee standing down there “You again!” Ah Huat say, “you make me a good man!“ “Want to be my steady or not?” She kiss him! Boooomz! Ah huat transform again! He become a god! Now everybody pray pray to him Dear glob! Please help me tio bei pio!!! Kamsiah!!!

WEIRD POETRY FROM ALIEN COLONY When I was small And extraterrestrial beings were tall They used to come and fiddle with my brain To me mom they'll say We want to upgrade him to a post human demi god prototype Can we please have him, for a day? So My mother loaned me out to an alien colony Back in 1983 I was six years old They put an organic device up my arsehole And programmed me with weird poetry And powers borrowed from marvel and d.c. In the blinding light of that backdoor surgery They gave me my destiny. When Mother Mary and the eight dwarfs visit my surrogate family To nego the terms of my existence I can't get two words in. So now, i live Half a year here, six months there It seems fair But I can only use part of my given powers on planet earth A quarter of my powers along east coast road None of my powers in ang mo kio. Aiyo Cosmic alien superhero problems. But I don't argue. I accept my lot. Do you remember lot? That Poor biblical sod His wife turned into a pillar of salt When the bearded man in the sky Dropped a neutron bomb on sodom My my! Such divine weapons! I got some of those in my nipples But I can't use it here It's not allowed It's in the agreement It's in my contract “Do not destroy stupid humans.” “You are neither judge nor executioner.” “You are here to share weird poetry .” I'm like, “come on abba, let me fry one stupid human Twice a month.“ Abba, father, says no I say “fine! I'll go ask thor!' if you change your mind, I'll be first in line.” “Buzz off.” The gods think I'm crazy I smoke pot with Jesus because you know He's the son of the Most High. Gets the best shit. We hang out. Then I'll be sticking my little finger into his stigmata and go, “ holy holy holy lord!" and he'll be like, " its not funny paul. the fundamentalists will crucify you. The mormons will take away your masturbation rights“ “Oh shit.” And when I see Buddha i'll be like, “heyyyy fattyyyy!” Why don't you jump over the wall and knock humpy dumpty down and piss pink Floyd off and they'll tear down the wall! Then berlin will be liberated!“ And buddha Will be like, “It's a good idea, I like pink Floyd and there can only be one humpy dumpty.” I'll buy fresh milk from 7—11 and drink with Ganesha the elephant headed god then I'll spook him with white mice and he'll be like “Stay away from me you crazy adopted son of an e.t.” And yoda is like, “your father, I a m.” And I'll be like, “is Kermit grandpa?” I kinda have a crush on Kwan yin, the goddess of mercy We went out once, rode on her magical dragon. she brought me to the moon. Then I passed her a leather whip, sprawled myself out on a cloud and said, “show me no mercy!” And she's like, “cannot lah. Contradicts my function.” Then Kali appeared. With swords. And her whip got fire and barbed wire. Kadavaleh! Next thing I know, I'm lying face down with an organic device popping out of my mouth and I'm walking funny. You can imagine what happened. It's very hard to joke with Lucifer tho. He's all like, “give me my caviar.” “I want my women.” “I want my men.” “I want my goats.” And I'm like “ewww. Lambs are better.” And god the father is like “Do not insult the lamb of god, I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger!” Thor will be laughing so hard he'll be farting thunder. And I'll be like, “hey thor! I need to talk to you about some dumb fucks I want to fry!” He'll be like, “leave me outta this, ask iron man.” “Urgh! You guys are no fun!” Sigh. But seriously,as much as i drive them crazy, the gods still make me laugh loud loud Especially in the long hours, after humanity has broken my heart.

Urine detector not working Phew What a relief in this lift With little windows going by But suddenly I'm jammed on the second floor Flickering light Hypnotize Makes me high Then I hear it Riot police boots Coming up the stairs Pool of evidence right there It's the electric chair, For my naughty little Weaner Bad bad bladder Officer I know I need a lawyer I'm completely screwed by my yellow pool And as I'm arrested I hear the ominous laughter Of The urine detector. my lawyer pleads in court “He didn't disrupt the peace Your honor“ “He Just couldn't hold his piss Your honor“ Its slipping through my fingers The fat judge is not convinced Hear ye, hear ye Order! Order! Upsize With no fries Four years jail For the pee pee offender! No parole No casserole Oh noooooo! And as I'm taken away I hear the devilish laughter, of the urine detector. Four. Years. Jail. But That is where I got ripped. Learnt to fight with a toothpick. Got a tan Got a tat Learned to bend down and not feel bad I purposely dropped the soap My naughty little Weaner made me a man. Evolving from sore ass to bad ass I played the game and everybody knew my name I was feared and revered Everyone gave me their toilet paper! But for a year I forgot the face of the sun Solitary confinement ain't so fun By year 2 I was a changed man I became known as the Jamban Jesus spreading my toilet wisdom among killers and angry boys. I'll speak in my “wow, i just had a damn good shit' zen state voice “Sit back, relax, let it go.” “When you hold on to all that shit, you hold on to pain.” “Empty your bladder and all will flow.” “Man with no toilet paper will learn to innovate.” I was Confucius of the cubicles I was the lavatory avatar. I was patient, carefully biding my time But now that I'm out and about I'm going to hunt that urine detector down.

Loading.... Loading... Loading... How many terabytes is this mess? Sorting out dubious data into folders The anti virus malfunctions All those jpegs should be trashed Empty my history of you If I clear the cookies maybe you'll go away But you hold me ransom with those dirty videos Even though I was wearing a mask You've made my memories random And corrupted the files in my heart It takes ages now for me to start The search bar cannot find all our crimes Our trial together has expired But you just won't let go You just won't give me my space Make—money—at—home—ads and RAM eating bloat ware were the last things you left me Bleeding out in Virtual reality Floor littered with USB cables And impotent floppy discs I knew you wanted me to hang indefinitely You wanted to see the blue screen of death on my face book I've ruined my LCD with your naked pictures The same ones you used on eBay The same ones I altered with m.s. paint. And fed into the random pixel generator. Oh what monstrosity. Files so large it killed my CPU. But What could I do? You knew I couldn't afford a new computer You stripped me of my chips so now I'm just rebuilding in parts A different o.s. Flash drive, hardened steel Not like this vulnerable flesh wound You used as your screen saver Your seduction was a Trojan horse virus And now when I click on sleep I get nightmare gifs This is the price I pay when I made the mistake of dating a psycho artificial intelligence program Thank god I didn't have a 3d printer. I've masked my I.p. address now but cannot fake the computer up here It's gone terminal This online romantic tragedy has gone viral And hackers who adore your ones and zeroes are trying to bring me down Filling my soundcloud with things I did not say Spamming my inbox with Nigerian lotto prizes Sending fake illicit mail to my female friends saying: I want to mount your Dropbox I think its lo—FI wi fi for me from now on A hooded pop—up on pirate radio frequencies Surfing the back channels of I.R.C Looking for my next net fix Hoping i'll never find another you on you tube

It's a good morning For sun dried bodies Shriveled and drained By the vampire state building To be narcolepseying to C.B.D Consume Buy Degenerate. Corporate signs Magnetic, malevolent eating up energy of the enslaved Brain dead alchemy Changing flesh to machine Fuelled by cheap chicken rice You are battery power in the dildo of Babylon Cumming with currencies all over your stock and bond-age Until you are flat lined But it's ok, your wallet is fat And you can buy your designer coffin Place your bones in a condo that overlooks beautiful trees at mount Vernon Where people can transfer money to you by burning them in brown cans so you can go shopping for Prada in purgatory while dealing with headless chickens that haunt chicken rice stalls May the god of the birds forbid You bring to perfection and teach your children The language of your cubicle voodoo Number crunching towards extinction All for distinction On your merry go pound of yen and dollar for dollar deals with the devil You sold your momma for mammon And your soul for gold. Come! I clap for you. It's a good afternoon for sealing your doom In the bank vaults of your empty morality And your bankrupt humanity Zombie mentality Hungering for more and more and more Chicken rice Nice white, thighs of 900 an hour girls Getting rash on their chests because your money is filthy But your car is fancy and big Compensating for your little, tiny — It's a good evening To wine and dine the swines Fornicating in the fuck rooms made from taxpayers money While in poor mans land men who build your condos Sleep on cardboard boxes Face in the sand rough, tired hands Dragging their aching bodies home But not before they get checked by police because they might be carrying dangerous weapons of societal disruptions like bottles of beer they drink to relax after 14 hours in the sun building your fucking shopping malls. But still, They will build your tower Because they know that lightning is on their side and god will strike down and roast the fat suckling towkays and god will help the poor woman strike toto with 2 Dollars so she can't stop cleaning your fucking toilets for coins. It's a goodnight for pig politicians to be blinded By the light that comes from open eyes And open minds That will see through the fallacy And When our generation has had enough violation From perverted nanny state hands You can bet your ass Our votes will not be swayed by your chicken rice